ANNOUNCEMENT! Launch of The Serious Business Party



Are you fed up of politics? Do you want to light the fart that sets the world ablaze?
You deserve a party that represents the modern, discerning, hard-working sociopath. A party that really will punish you for voting for them.You have that option.

The Serious Business Party’s philosophy is progressive nihilism. We don’t believe in anything, but we’ll tell you what to believe.

The party song will be Judas Priest’s Jawbreaker, because it describes playing a skin flute so massive you need the jaw of a snake to take it in. It’s a perfect mental image of what we’re going to do to Wales, taking inspiration from Labour.

This might sound a little harsh, but humanity is a failed abortion. Nothing would give The Serious Business Party greater pleasure than Earth imploding in on itself. Each and every person should watch everyone and everything they ever loved or cared about reduced to nothingness, all of humanity’s achievements gone in an instant.

You can get the process started by casting your vote for The Serious Business Party.

At least we’re honest.

Policies for a brighter sustainable tomorrow:


Constitutional Reform

  • We’ll allow Assembly Members to carry swords and challenge each other to a duel, also supporting the introduction of laughing gas into the Senedd chamber.
  • Every time an AM or Welsh Government minister lies on record, they’ll have a tooth pulled. Once teeth have run out, we’ll move on to nails.
  • Assembly committees will be reformatted to represent a panel show – minus David Mitchell. One meeting each year must take the format of The Crystal Maze and another must be conducted under the influence of LSD – minus David Mitchell.
  • For the love of Christ, every time an AM says “sustainable” or“sustainability”, abandoned kittens will be bulldozed into a mound of rotting household waste.
  • We will hold a referendum on Welsh membership of the Women’s Institute.
  • We support independence for Caldey Island, and the installation of a Satanic theocracy.
  • We will ban all non-serious political parties, like the Church of the Militant Elvis and the Liberal Democrats.
  • We will re-categorise Wales as being part of South America so we’re not “in Europe” anymore.
  • To maximise value for money and innovation, we will turn the information desk at the Senedd into a pub.
  • We will not commission any commissions, committees, public consultations, panels, working groups or task forces.


Social Justice

  • We will subsidise poverty for the over-privileged in society by paying the homeless to sleep in tents situated in the front gardens of detached homes.
  • We will make it a legal requirement for everyone to shave their heads to combat hair discrimination and to tackle the ginger epidemic.
  • Holy Offside Trap, Batman! We will recognise football as a religion.
  • We will provide more affordable housing by opening up land in the middle of roundabouts to unscrupulous developers.
  • We believe floods are a conspiracy by Big Rain to get people to buy umbrellas and wellies.
  • We will end sexism in public life, and increase women’s representation, by demanding a mandatory minimum breast size for those seeking public appointments, whilst also supporting the EU’s DATA-SS initiative.
  • We won’t do an equivalent for men because that’s sexist.
  • The Serious Business Party is committed to legalising marriages between pets.
  • In order to end arguments over language, we will end all official state support for Welsh and English, establishing Binary as the most cost-effective method of communication across 0101011101100001011011000110010101110011.

Economic Development & Transport

  • We will give “Food Bank” a new meaning by turning chips into a local currency to discourage littering. We also want to do it solely to see someone attempt to buy an engagement ring using “The Bridgend Chip”.
  • We will increase number of hours in a day to 30 in order to extend the working day and make people more productive.
  • Brunch your ass off! Our food security policy will be the same as a dog’s, “If it’s smaller, the same size or bigger than you – eat it.”
  • We will make hipsters a tax-deductible expense to ease the burden they place on independent businesses.
  • We will launch a feasibility study into constructing a High Speed Rail line linking London to Wales. ….on Train Simulator.
  • We will reduce traffic jams and improve traffic flow by only having yellow and green lights at junctions.
  • We will then combat the rise in road accidents by reintroducing red lights. This will provide jobs for traffic light manufacturers.
  • We will turn all road signs upside down to get drivers to concentrate.
  • We will introduce a minimum speed limit for tractors of 60mph.
  • We will permit the use of jet engines on bicycles.
  • We will reintroduce terracing to buses to increase capacity.


Health


People die if they are killed, and 100% of things result in death.The Serious Business Party believes the people of Wales deserve better.We will increase that to 125% by making everyday objects more dangerous (i.e exploding toilets, electrified pavements, flaming hairdryers), legalising murder, abolishing ambulances and the fire service (there’s a head start on that already) and introducing a “quantum surprise” where you get randomly stabbed in the chest by someone from another dimension.

  • We will combat childhood obesity by replacing all classroom furniture with human-size hamster wheels.
  • We also believe children are very nutritious and should form the foundation of a balanced diet.
  • We will re-categorise crisps as part of your five a day. They’re potatoes after all.
  • Ice cream vans will become the official fourth emergency service.
  • We will legalise the possession and personal use of nutmeg.
  • Skinny jeans will become a state-sanctioned form of male contraception, alongside Star Trek.
  • Taking inspiration from Cocoon, we will turn public swimming pools into mass birthing pools in order to provide an instant, on-demand abortion and euthanasia service.


Edyewkashun

  • The Serious Business Party will raise Welsh education standards by introducing the highly-experimental Inductive Cognitive Shock Method, which involves throwing heavy books very fast at children’s faces.
  • The history curriculum will be based around A Song of Ice and Fire and its multimedia learning portal, Game of Thrones.
  • Maths will be split into several qualifications including : sexy maths, hard maths, soft maths, statistics, Caths, telephone numbers and street maths.
  • Back. The f**k. Up. Sex education will be provided in partnership with those who know the subject inside, outside and on the kitchen table – the pornography industry. No child should leave primary school without knowing the meaning of golden showers in a loving relationship.
  • Chemistry will be taught using the periodic table of heavy metal.
  • We will phase out exam resits, replacing them with time travel.
  • We support The Daily Mail’s campaign to reintroduce traditional school bullying.


Legislative Programme


In the first and only term of a Serious Business government, we will introduce legislation, including :
  • Dog Faeces (Lost Property) Act – giving local authorities the power to return dog mess left on public grounds to its rightful owner.
  • Work Rest & Play (Mars) Act  – which will require all children under the age of 11 to wear a hard hat and high visibility jacket when outside.
  • Aggressive Measures to Combat Voter Apathy Act – which is on hold.
  • Silent Majority (Protection of Rights) Act – which will introduce capital punishment for anyone describing themselves as “the silent majority”, in order to protect the rights and well-being of everyone else.
  • The “Go On, Then” Act – Whenever a man uses genital mutilation as a pick-up line (i.e. “I would drag my dick through ten miles of broken glass to hear you fart through a walkie talkie.”), the Serious Business Party will make that legally enforceable.
  • Hipster Act – which you can now say you’ve heard of before it was cool.

                
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