Duke spurts royal jelly into future Queen

It’s been announced today that Katherine Windsor is a mammal.

It’s understood that semen was ejaculated in the vicinity of Katherine Windsor’s cervix at some point in the last few weeks, but the precise date and time haven’t been pinpointed yet by Nicholas Witchell. He’s working on it.

It’s understood that “Thunder….thunder….thunder….thundercats….hooooo!” was heard via bugs hidden at strategic places in the royal bedchamber.

A few seconds of warm, gooey joy for William Windsor, followed by a nice piss and a loud fart, will turn into 9 months of hell for the rest of us.

What’s surprised commentators, however, is the fact that it’s believed that the traditional royal egg will not be laid, and the child will develop inside the womb. Hello! magazine are understood to have snuck in a paparazzo disguised as part of the placenta.

Other couples who conceived at the same time have been contacted for quotes. “Yeah, it’s a good fing he’s done, innit,” said Bill, a labourer from Newham. “He slammed dat spunk right into ‘is missus, and not all over ‘er tits or up ‘er arse. Put a right smile on everyone’s face, ‘specialy His Royal Majesty.”

His girlfriend Kaff, a hairdresser, said,” It was just a fumble in a lane for us, but little did we know that we were sharing a special moment with the Royal Faaaaamily. It’s good that some men can still find the right hole. Congratulations on the sex, Wills and Kates!”

Some old crone said, “It’s laaahvly news. Gawd bless the embryo and/or foetus!” There’s been a rush on flour, eggs and sugar as old women with nothing better to do with their time rush to bake cakes for absolutely no reason whatsoever up and down the UK.

The Amniotic Sac Enlargement Ceremony was celebrated in private at Sandringham, and the traditional sacrifice of a unicorn was made to Ceres.

The Daily Express are preparing mugs with Its Royal Highness The Foetus 2012 emblazoned on the front for £12.99 and are demanding that the child is called Diana regardless of sex.

It’s understood that protesters from Abort the Monarchy are planning a rally at some random place that only five people will attend. A spokesperson said, “A cluster of cells is already far more important than you will ever be and, barring a whole host of complications, will one day be your head of state. It’s should be me. Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!”