Jones Big Ass Depository & Storage Facility

“Why leave anything on your front lawn or under your porch or on your driveway when you can store all that stuff my way at ‘Jones Big Ass Depository & Storage Facility‘.

“I know you’ve got stuff lying around that you don’t want or you don’t need no more.

“You know you aren’t going to use those clapped out 40-year-old diesel trains. Why keep them around your house? Bring them down here to my house!

“What’s in this box? I don’t know; not my business.

“What’s in this large, suspiciously glowing dredger coming across from Somerset? I don’t know; not my business.

“What’s in this housing association let HMO in a quiet Pembrokeshire village? I don’t know; not my business.

“You don’t need all this crap. I’m gonna tell you what to do with this: throw it into my yard! I don’t care!

“For you, I can do all this for the low, low price of £1,222million a month or £14.7billion a year. You can’t beat that!

“Hell, you can barely build a motorway around Newport for that!”

“Now friends, you may ask yourself, ‘How the hell can he store so much for such a low, low price?’

“The secret: My Big Ass is the size of Wales!

“I can store anything, no questions asked: white-flighters, good-lifers, prisoners, elderly relatives you don’t give a shit about, low-flying jet fighters, military firing ranges, nuclear submarines.

“We’ll welcome yo’ jobs and yo’ money. Jobs at any cost! Ain’t no difference between a good job and a bad job if it’s done right.

“Economic productivity? Show me that green instead.

“Your Scouse uncle’s unemployable, has a nasty heroin habit and you’re fed up with him whining about living by the sea. I can fold him up, put him on my back on a bicycle and bring him here on your old Yamaha motorcycle.

“Remember, it’s the Size of Wales! Do you know how big a Wales is!?”

Owen