Exciting plans for former Labour Club

Having closed for the last time almost two years ago, the future of the former Ogmore Constituency Labour club building in Bryntirion looked uncertain. However, local developers RDRR Ltd have submitted plans to regenerate the site as a modern, inclusive private members club for Bridgend residents.

Developers hope the new club will act as “an inspirational gateway play-talk-do hub”, making the most of its “current linear 1960s design” and “prompting nostalgic memories, by reminding passing stakeholders of a secondary school technology block.”

Local residents complained that since losing the club, the derelict building has become an eyesore. They were disappointed it wouldn’t be completely redeveloped, but RDRR Ltd have reassured everyone their design is 100% sustainable.

“It’ll be like old times,” the architect said. “Plus, the first thing you’ll see coming into Bridgend from Laleston way is a nice big cock.”

Residents were also concerned about the class of clientele who might be attracted by the club. The management committee-elect said, “We assure residents there will be stringent vetting of anybody wishing to join our club. All dissenters will be purged. No refunds! No Homers!

“Remember, it only costs £3 to join our ‘sado-masochism for beginners’ class!”

Commenting on the ownership of the site, a Bridgend Council spokesperson said, “There’s absolutely nothing dodgy about a local authority having a financial interest in the former club of the ruling party, which could potentially raise up to £300,000. Cabinet members erred on the side of caution by getting special dispensation to vote on any decision regarding the future of the site.”

It’s unclear whether councillors will have to declare a personal interest if they become members of The Cock and Ball Torture.

The name of the club also prompted complaint, and is the latest in a number of risquéadvertising campaigns around the town. The most notable was for a hand car wash off Tremains Road, which used denim short-clad buttocks to promote soapy hand rubs.

Following complaints, the sign was removed. It recently made a return, with the company using an ingenious and far less sexist method to promote their business – they covered up an image of a woman’s anatomy with price tags.

“Sexist? Nah!” A customer at the car wash said. “If anything it’s a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act. I expected to be served by a 19 year old blonde in cut offs, not a shaven-headed Lithuanian with a basic grasp of English.”

We asked the principle design lead why the name was chosen, after it was revealed RDRR Ltd are also behind a redevelopment of the Welcome to Town, which will be reopened and refurbished as The Queening Gimp. Meanwhile, the company recently developed the site of the legendary Bonnie Tyler-owned Benz, which has ironically reopened as A Car Park.

Equality campaigners were said to be pleased that the 8-inch stilettos are on the other foot for a change, after being told The Cock and Ball Torture have advertised for “strong, independent women” to perform a variety of well-remunerated personal and professional services to clients such as senior police officers, politicians, actors and business leaders.

It’s one of the few industries around where women consistently make more money than men,” a spokesperson for The Cock and Ball Torture added, “and we’re proud our development will support a narrowing of the gender pay gap. Besides, people use bodies, personal appearance and trying to give the impression of living a fulfilling life to sell everything nowadays. We’re all prostitutes.” 

Nevertheless, the unusual name of the club and delays to its redevelopment has led to rumours being spread that it was making a political statement. Some have even cheekily suggested that it was a piece by Banksy – a boarded-up building with nothing inside, and only attracting those who would strip it of any remaining value, perfectly encapsulatingLabour’s rule in Wales….but that wasn’t the motivation.

“I’m a massive, massive Spurs fan, and that drives everything I dare to do,” the architect explained.“You see, Wales being run by Labour in Cardiff or the Conservatives in London is a lot like experiencing the life of a Tottenham supporter.

“Most of the calendar year consists of a seemingly unending trudge of mediocrity and trampled dreams. The only joy is getting one over your nearest rivals who are otherwise superior in pretty much every single aspect. If you’re Welsh, England is Arsenal; if you’re English, Germany is Arsenal. There’s always an Arsenal.

“The hype lasts a combined four weeks a year and is usually accompanied by a massive capital outlay on a load of old tut to appease you. We Spurs fans also know full well what it’s like for someone from Islington to ruin your chances of glory for a decade, even if they don’t win anything themselves. In the end, someone else wins because you somehow conspire to defeat yourself.”