DD-Notice: Welsh State Secrets

We should all know by now that the Welsh Government have a somewhat patchy record when it comes to being transparent and open, and many Welsh Ministers have a reluctance to be questioned by the press. We should also know that many National Assembly sessions serve as a chartered masterclass in the art of question and answer dodging. It appears as though the Welsh Government want to take that a little step further.

In the last few weeks, a list of topics Welsh Government ministers will/should refuse to take or answer questions on has been doing the rounds on social media. Most relate to non-devolved matters – fair enough. It teases though that it’s not a comprehensive list, only an indicative one.Oggy Bloggy Ogwr™ powered by Skittles can exclusively reveal the rest of the list.

Its contents will send shockwaves through Welsh politics.

Any matter non-devolved to Wales, except criticism of the sitting Westminster government (as long as said government is a different colour to the one sitting in Cardiff Bay).
Anything Welsh Ministers propose, say or do, except when want us to know about some magnificent brain fart they want to impose on us.
Defence, Armed Forces, Security and Intelligence services, including the last known mission and general whereabouts of Gwyn “The Shadow” Price AM; and matters relating to the seditious libel that suggests Islwyn hasn’t existed since May 2003.
Whether Rebecca Evans is an experimental clone of Edwina Hart.
The Welsh Government’s position on felching, donkey punching and Cleveland steamers.
The ministerial Micro Machines budget.
Whether rain is wet (weather forecasting and the Met Office are reserved to Westminster), except on issues relating to the Senedd’s roof, and which genius thought it was a good idea to put carpet outside the building.
The reasons why Mike Hedges’ hands are routinely tied behind his back when speaking in plenary.
Who guffed.
Whether Mark Drakeford is actually an ultra-evolved Galapagos Island tortoise, or the retired fifth Ninja Turtle “Tagliatelle”.
Carl Sargeant and Movember.
The media and broadcasting, including proposals for Y Dydd Yn Y Cynilliad to use premium-rate phone numbers for everyone interested in “hot, filthy legislative action” as part of its long-running feud with Babestation; which is the best public information film; and the true identities of Anonymous Source AM, Senior Party Source AM and Cardiff Bay Insider AM.
Plans to hold Welsh Assembly meetings on Minecraft.
That time Swansea was attacked by a giant cheese.
Transport policy, except under a crimson moon on Thursdays in the period between the autumnal equinox and the first Sunday of Advent in odd-numbered years as set out in Sections 47, 56, 87, 98, 102 and 3a hut-hut-hut of the Miscellaneous Provisions for Disclosure Act (Wales) 1952.
Any explanation as to why there were audible cries of “Yeti!”, and a thumping sound, coming from Leighton Andrews’ office following a request for a local government map.
The budget for political haircuts, hairdressing and hair styling.
Knowing, and whether it really is half the battle.
The final death toll from Derek Brockway’s reign of terror.
Wood, woodchucks, and their chucking quotas (EU policy).
Whether John Griffiths’ exit from cabinet was related to his debilitating addiction to crunkcore.
Foreign policy, except matters relating to the purchase of take-away meals.
Whether Rosemary Butler is conducting secret séances to channel the spirit of Elizabeth I.
Why birds suddenly appear every time you are near.
The energy efficiency levels and carbon footprint of the Joyce-Bot Political Engagement Tactical Deployment Unit (Lab, Mid & West Wales).
Matters relating to the geographical protected status of Peter’s Pies.