We should all know by now that the Welsh Government have a somewhat patchy record when it comes to being transparent and open, and many Welsh Ministers have a reluctance to be questioned by the press. We should also know that many National Assembly sessions serve as a chartered masterclass in the art of question and answer dodging. It appears as though the Welsh Government want to take that a little step further. In the last few weeks, a list of topics Welsh Government ministers will/should refuse to take or answer questions on has been doing the rounds on social media. Most relate to non-devolved matters – fair enough. It teases though that it’s not a comprehensive list, only an indicative one.Oggy Bloggy Ogwr™ powered by Skittles can exclusively reveal the rest of the list.
Its contents will send shockwaves through Welsh politics.
- Any matter non-devolved to Wales, except criticism of the sitting Westminster government (as long as said government is a different colour to the one sitting in Cardiff Bay).
- Anything Welsh Ministers propose, say or do, except when want us to know about some magnificent brain fart they want to impose on us.
- Defence, Armed Forces, Security and Intelligence services, including the last known mission and general whereabouts of Gwyn “The Shadow” Price AM; and matters relating to the seditious libel that suggests Islwyn hasn’t existed since May 2003.
- Whether Rebecca Evans is an experimental clone of Edwina Hart.
- The Welsh Government’s position on felching, donkey punching and Cleveland steamers.
- The ministerial Micro Machines budget.
- Whether rain is wet (weather forecasting and the Met Office are reserved to Westminster), except on issues relating to the Senedd’s roof, and which genius thought it was a good idea to put carpet outside the building.
- The reasons why Mike Hedges’ hands are routinely tied behind his back when speaking in plenary.
- Who guffed.
- Whether Mark Drakeford is actually an ultra-evolved Galapagos Island tortoise, or the retired fifth Ninja Turtle “Tagliatelle”.
- Carl Sargeant and Movember.
- The media and broadcasting, including proposals for Y Dydd Yn Y Cynilliad to use premium-rate phone numbers for everyone interested in “hot, filthy legislative action” as part of its long-running feud with Babestation; which is the best public information film; and the true identities of Anonymous Source AM, Senior Party Source AM and Cardiff Bay Insider AM.
- Plans to hold Welsh Assembly meetings on Minecraft.
- That time Swansea was attacked by a giant cheese.
- Transport policy, except under a crimson moon on Thursdays in the period between the autumnal equinox and the first Sunday of Advent in odd-numbered years as set out in Sections 47, 56, 87, 98, 102 and 3a hut-hut-hut of the Miscellaneous Provisions for Disclosure Act (Wales) 1952.
- Any explanation as to why there were audible cries of “Yeti!”, and a thumping sound, coming from Leighton Andrews’ office following a request for a local government map.
- The budget for political haircuts, hairdressing and hair styling.
- Knowing, and whether it really is half the battle.
- The final death toll from Derek Brockway’s reign of terror.
- Wood, woodchucks, and their chucking quotas (EU policy).
- Whether John Griffiths’ exit from cabinet was related to his debilitating addiction to crunkcore.
- Foreign policy, except matters relating to the purchase of take-away meals.
- Whether Rosemary Butler is conducting secret séances to channel the spirit of Elizabeth I.
- Why birds suddenly appear every time you are near.
- The energy efficiency levels and carbon footprint of the Joyce-Bot Political Engagement Tactical Deployment Unit (Lab, Mid & West Wales).
- Matters relating to the geographical protected status of Peter’s Pies.
Oggy Bloggy Ogwr will continue, in the third person, to provide Wales with the hard-hitting investigative journalism it deserves.