The Serious Business Party have announced their candidates for the 2016 National Assembly election. Like other parties seeking a foothold in Cardiff Bay, they’re focusing on the regional lists, and won’t stand any candidates in first past the post constituencies.UK leader, Armitage Shanks, unveiled their hopefuls at their Autumn Piss-Up, alongside their party election broadcast, which they say makes a strong offer to the people of Wales.In an impassioned alcohol-aggravated speech, he rallied party members and journalists, telling them, “We’ll be out there pounding pavements, pounding doors and pounding faces.
“We’re going to reinvigorate the lost skill of political rim-raiding. We’re going to smash the Senedd’s back doors in and keep going until the Cardiff Bay Establishment are crying in a corner….”A flunky whispers in his ear, “….Sorry, I meant ram-raiding.”
“People are sick and tired of politicians who have ‘ideas’ and ‘long-term plans’ to solve complicated problems. We’re not interested in ideas. We’re not really interested in power either. All we’re interested in is punishing politicians by becoming politicians ourselves. So to the people of Wales, I say this:
“You think your local hospital’s fine. You think your schools are turning out pupils ready for modern wage slavery, crippling living costs and disappointing life choices.
“You’re secure in your mediocrity because you don’t think about things too much and are willing to let others think for you. You believe tweaking a crap machine or hitting it every now and again will keep it going another twenty years instead of completely replacing it.
“Then when you do decide to replace it, you hire cowboys to do the work. Yeeeee ha!
“The next day, you’re desperate for a crap,” he points to a candidate, “but Mr Blobby here turns up on your doorstep wearing nothing but a Serious Business Party rosette and a scowl. He has no tools, he’s had no training, and he’s more than ready to twat you with a metal pipe for your idiocy.
“Keep punishing yourselves, you stupid, stupid people.”
The audience applauds rapturously.
“This isn’t a game,” Armitage tells them straight-faced. “Every time you say you’re going to vote for us, give yourself a punch in the face from me.”
Asked whether he was considering standing in a Welsh seat, Armitage’s face broke into his familiar baby-grin. “No, but between you and me,” he retorted, “Taffs are good in the trenches and at playing rugger, but aren’t officer material if you get what I mean.”