Pencil case theft threatens to destabilise Assembly

It began like any other Tuesday afternoon, with First Minister’s Jeopardy. Rhodri Glyn Thomas began with the clue, “The Haven“, to which First Minister Carwyn Jones answered “What is Plaid Cymru’s policy on free cheese and pickle sandwiches for school leavers?” winning 20 points, and moving to the tiebreaker round.

After a ritualistic gut-barge to test strength with star prop Carl Sargeant, Andrew RT Davies returned to his seat, where he was seen rifling through his Batman pencil case, “Anyone seen my Maggie Thatcher rubber?” He looked accusingly towards the First Minister, “You’ve bloody nicked it, avenchew! Mr big shot with ‘is posh binder!”

“Wha’?” a visibly confused First Minister replied. His friends whispered something in his ear, to which he responded, “What is the Welsh Conservative policy on nuclear submarines in Milford Haven?” Unfortunately, this wasn’t accepted as an answer.

Stationery dysmorphia was investigated thoroughly by the Assembly’s equalities committee recently, with 22 recommendations, including that AMs were to be issued with “those pens that change colour”. That doesn’t seem to have satisfied everybody.

Sitting with his arms folded, the Leader of the Opposition sulked, demanding that he be given, “One of those pencils which you twist and the lead comes out to ‘owever long you want it – like what Carwyn’s got.”

After Bethan Jenkins was given a reprimand for breathing, and Peter Black for eating an egg sandwich in the chamber, the session continued, interrupted by the discovery of a crudely drawn penis and testicles in the corner of the First Minister’s prized exercise book.

After exchanges of “Come on ‘en, butt!” between Carwyn and Andrew, Mrs Butler threatened to send the pair to the Petitions Committee as punishment, as well as forcing them to spend lunchtime in her office, instead of kicking footballs against the Pierhead Building. She reminded the chamber that the building was “out of bounds” and “if you (AMs) break any of the windows, you’ll have to pay for them to be replaced.”

Leanne Wood was told off for flicking tiny bits of rubber towards the First Minister with a ruler.

“Oh! Warrayou doin’ with my rubber!” Andrew RT Davies shouted, breaking the few minutes of peace in the chamber. By doing so, he put Ms Wood off her stride, and a piece of rubber hit Lesley Griffiths in the eye, sending her running out of the room in tears, holding her face.

Rumours have spread amongst political commentators that it’s a sign Leanne fancies Carwyn, but this has been strongly denied by Kirsty Williams, who it’s believed was being consoled in the girl’s toilets later that afternoon.

This incident lead to no-mark Labour backbenchers making their only contribution that week – a choral “Oooooooooooooooooooohm!” – followed by accusations of “smelling” and attending weddings of fictional characters.

In other news:

  • Daran Hill is believed to have turned away the Welsh Association of Furries from the Senedd because, “it was too embarrassing to be seen with them (Assembly Members) at the moment.”
  • Martin Shipton is said to have left the Senedd quivering and holding a revolver.
  • The remedial class is convinced the discovery of a Higgs-like boson is linked to a conspiracy involving the Welsh language at the quantum level.
  • The Western Mail published an exposé suggesting that Bethan Jenkins’ cells have been replicating DNA on Assembly time. Peter Hain is said to be “outraged”, adding that “Peter Hain would say that Plaid need to get their priorities right – cell metabolism, or Grand Poobah handshakes.”
  • Dafydd Elis-Thomas and Llyr Huws Griffiths have fallen out, after Llyr “told on him.” Llyr is now believed to have been ostracised for being a “grass”and “can’t come round for tea anymore”.
  • Many AMs and politicos are believed to have gone missing – presumed rectal – after being told that Wales could have its own Borgen. The Danish government demanded an apology, describing it as, “comparing Denmark to Schleswig-Holstein or Greenland”, adding that “Denmark is a proper nation-state, not a pretend one that debates local government byelaws and badger culls.”
  • Carwyn Jones flushed Andrew RT Davies, after the latter accused the former of possessing “better toilet paper than the rest of us”, that “doesn’t chafe after use”, describing it as an “obscene waste of taxpayers money.” The Assembly Commission say that it will be replaced with sandpaper in the next re-stock. Martin Shipton is said to have put the revolver down from his temple, smiling, upon hearing this news.

Owen

  • Brilliant stuff and painfully true, you should do this every week on events in the Senedd!

  • Thank ACOP.

    I don't think I'd be able to do this every week, maybe once in a while if there's something “of worth”.

    I'm working on a side project at the moment, and put this out as a tester of sorts. I'm keeping it quiet at the moment, very few people know about it, but I should be able to give more info in the next few months.

    People who read this blog around St David's Day this year will get a big hint as to what I mean 😉

  • Hilarious. And disturbingly close to the truth, it seems to me. Ever thought of becoming a satirist, Owen? 😀

  • I'm not going to rule out doing something like this again at some point in the future, Rhys, but I think this is a rare case of my “humour” hitting the right notes. I'm not going to make a habit of it, unfortunately.

    As I said in the earlier comment, I'm working on a side project that might interest a few. That's all I'm saying for now. More info (hopefully) in August/September.

  • Very good! We need more of this if you can manage it.

    One slight quibble, though. Surely Toilet paper chaffs DURING use, not after?

  • Thanks for pointing out that mistake Siônnyn.

    I have written a second piece, but I'm not going to publish that for a couple of weeks. You'll either love it or hate it, especially if you have an interest in the Welsh language.